Ambiguous Loss
What happens when we experience loss with no closure, no language to talk about it or no cultural awareness of the concept?
When you hear the word ‘loss’, you probably think of bereavement, something we experience when a loved one dies. This certainly is loss, but there’s so many more types of relationships that we can grieve, so many other complex experiences of lack and so many unsatisfying endings that can have profound effects on our emotional lives.
What is ambiguous loss?
You might not be too familiar with the term ‘ambiguous loss’, but you or someone you know may have experienced it. The term was coined by Pauline Boss, PhD in the 1970s to describe losses that are unclear or unconfirmed. Here are some examples (not a complete list), with the categories physical, psychological and situational. The first two are part of Boss’s original concept, I have added the latter, situational, to take into account experiences from my clients that fit the experience of ambiguous loss.
What unites all these experiences is feelings of uncertainty and confusion. The nervous system can get stuck in a dysregulated state as the person tries in vain to understand what’s happened and look for an explanation. There is a dangerous element of hope for many dealing with this type of loss; maybe they will be found or get better or come back. This keeps people in the denial and bargaining phases of grief, stuck and struggling. People often describe being in limbo, unable to go back to how things were but unable to move forwards either.
Case studies (names and details have been changed):
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Friends since primary school, Ben and Daniel kept in touch through uni and into their 20s. When Daniel gets a job abroad, Ben feels lost without the regular contact and a sense of loneliness pervades his daily life. They still chat every now and then over the phone, but it’s hard to arrange with the time distance and their busy lives. Ben notices his mood drop and his motivation for socialising all but disappears.
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Jason has always been athletic and enjoyed playing lots of sport. After a serious car accident he was paralysed from the waist down and uses a wheelchair. His family and friends tend to focus on how lucky he is to have survived, which he agrees with, but no-one speaks about this big part of his life that he can’t enjoy anymore.
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Nadia always looked up to her big sister and was excited to be involved in her wedding day. However, after the wedding her sister moved in with her new husband and didn’t have as much time for her. She got the feeling the husband was preventing them from spending time together but doesn’t know what to do about it as her sister said everything was fine at home.
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Dymtrus left Ukraine to escape the war, something his family encouraged him to do. Whilst he has started to build a good life for himself in the UK, he worries constantly about his family and misses his homeland. His siblings are fighting or working towards the war effort and he can’t always contact them. His mother is unwell and urges him to stay where he is so she doesn’t have to worry about him.
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Katie and Simon have been married for 15 years and have two children at home. One day Simon announces that he’s unhappy and abruptly leaves the family home. He move into a flat nearby and continues with some parenting responsibilities but won’t talk to Katie about his decision. In the absence of an explanation, she looks for things she might have done wrong to cause this.
As you can see from these stories, there are no simple solutions to these painful experiences and they’re not things that time alone will heal. There are risks to their mental health as they become withdrawn, distressed, self-critical and disconnected. The effects of these ambiguous losses ripple out into other areas of their lives and affect their sense of self and behaviour.
How to heal from ambiguous loss
Healing in this case is more about finding acceptance and meaning than answers and clarity. Future wellbeing cannot be conditional on closure, instead, those dealing with ambiguous loss must focus on creating or maintaining a life that feels meaningful, integrating the loss into their story without making it the main or only narrative arc.
This article is for information, it is not likely you will find relief in reading these words alone, but these are some practices and process that can help when navigating the painful and confusing landscape of ambiguous loss:
Recognise and name ambiguous loss. Acknowledging what you are feeling can help you make sense of your experience and communicate about it.
Tolerating ambiguity - learning both/and thinking (rather than binary either/or). This means sitting in and allowing the messy paradoxes of life and letting go of the expectation or need for things to be fair or even make sense. Not easy!!
Practicing radical acceptance; if this is how life is in this moment, what is required of me? How can you live with these events rather than resisting them or waiting for things to change before you move forwards.
Self compassion – recognise how difficult it is to experience ambiguous loss and put time and energy aside for self care. You might need more sleep, plenty of soothing activities and healing practices like yoga, meditation and journaling.
Consider creating a goodbye ritual for the person or part of your life that is no longer present in the way it once was. Ambiguous loss is tricky because there aren’t cultural practices for it, but you can create your own. Maybe it’s a letter (even if you can’t send it), a place you go to in remembrance or a memorial you create.
Get support. Grief of any kind is brutal and we’re not supposed to go it alone. Ask loved ones if they’re willing to listen to how you feel and help you engage with positive activities. Consider joining a support group or going to counselling.
References & further information:
